Monday, August 8, 2011
The Wonderful Wizard Of Leather
Once upon a time in a land made of marshmallows and pork rinds lived a giant curly-haired beast. Also in this magical land lived an evil queen, a bitch princess, a homophobic prince, a court jester, a cranky peasant girl and a smattering of others. But, over on a hilltop in the distance, past the licorice forest, across the caramel river and a stone's throw from the town's only tobacco plantation lived a great and powerful wizard. From atop her smoke covered hill, the leathery wizard looked down on the townspeople while shaking her Meg Ryan coif back and forth with both amusement and disdain. The townspeople were nice enough. Well, except for the evil queen. But they weren't too bright. They fought over things like looks and words and photographs and when they fought their voices would carry up over the fields of potato chips and through the licorice forest gnawing at the wizard day in and day out. The migraines the townspeople gave her left her with only one logical choice: Kill the townspeople - every single last one of them. I'm not sure if many of you know this, but even in fairy tales a mystical land has its own laws and prison system. So the wizard would have to be clever. She'd have to figure out a way for the townspeople to kill each other and bring about their own demise. In her heart of hearts, the wizard knew that the beast would be one to start the civil war. High on power and drunk on fame, the beast had enough insecurity issues to rival National Geographic. "Yes," the wizard thought to herself. "I'll go talk to the beast and get my peace and quiet once and for at all." And so it was. Let's recap, shall we?
What started off an innocent Sunday ended in a giant clusterfuck of madness. Rachel awoke with a chip on her shoulder and a furl in her lip. She's been to the Diary Room over and over and over again and she thinks she's figured out the mystery twist that Julie Chen mentioned last Thursday. Clearly, it's a power that allows people whose names start with 'R' to reenter the game. Once back in the game, this 'R' person, loved by America mind you, will be given a fifth Golden Key and will be able to evict any and all people she deems unworthy as she sails her way to $500,000. Yes Rachel, that's exactly what the power is. For the rest of the day, over and over again, ad nauseum, Rachel will tell her power theories to everyone she encounters.
Her first victims of the day are Jeff & Jordan. Out in the backyard Rachel tells J&J that maybe she'll go to Daniele and apologize. Maybe some crocodile tears will earn her Daniele's trust back. Jeff & Jordan look at each other and in not so many words mumble, "Ain't gonna happen." As Rachel refuses to take no for an answer, she explains how she thinks Daniele will certainly fall for a fake apology. Rachel cries, "There's a fifth Golden Key out there dammit and I want it!" Jeff tells her to calm down and says, "Let's not get carried away here."
Not getting what she wants from Jeff & Jordan, Rachel storms inside the house looking for another victim to torture. She finds Porsche in the Tarot Room clutching her abdomen and waiting for the two measly Midol the DR gave her to kick in. A note here to women: Advil, Midol, Tylenol, Pamprin, etc. don't do shit! The only cure for cramps starts with Oxy and ends in Contin. Not everyone has face melting cramps, but for those of us who do it is a seriously serious problem. To the three men who read this blog: imagine a meat grinder - one of those old timey ones with a hand crank - grinding away at your internal organs at the base of your stomach. That's what cramps are like, so the next time your woman has them - LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Ok, so anyhow, Porsche is in pain and in walks Rachel. Grrrreat. Porsche tries to shoo her away by saying that she really doesn't want to get involved with Rachel's drama right now. Girlfriend, I hear ya. If Rachel came knocking on my door during my meat grinding day, I'd rip her head off with my own bare hands and use her eyeballs for ping pongs. Actually, I'd probably do that on a non-meat grinding day as well.
Rachel interprets Porsches', "Please go away" as "Why yes, come in and make yourself comfortable. Pretty please tell me all about how sad you are." Rachel tells Porsche that it sucks for her in the house right now because when you stick up for people you expect them to console you when your fiance is so cruelly ripped away from you. Rachel says that she thanked Porsche repeatedly for voting to keep Brendon, but Porsche failed to give her the attention and symathetic looks she felt she deserved. Porsche sighs and says that for someone who calls herself such a "competitor", she naturally assumed Rachel would be grounded enough to be able to separate the game from her life. *bites fist* Offended, Rachel says that no one can separate the two. Porsche keeps telling Rachel it's just a game and she'll see Brendon again. It's not like he's dead. Rachel starts to get a little unnerved as she begins to launch thinly veiled accusations in Porsche's direction. Lazy eyed and unflinching, Porsche is unphased. Rachel tries to incriminate Porsche and Porsche pretty much replies with something tantamount to, "Get over it."
Now, I can see what Rachel is doing. She never leaves a conversation unless she gets what she wants. In this case, she wants Porsche to admit that she was wrong for not worrying day and night about Rachel's well being. My favorite part of the conversation was when Rachel was expressing how awful it is to have her fiance ripped from her and torn out of her soul. Porsche lifts one finger and says, "Hold that thought. I have to go check on my cupcakes." Rachel's face read, "Oh no she di-in't!"and at home I clapped and giggled. After what seemed like an eternity, Porsche returns and Rachel picks up right where she left off. Her fiance was torn away from her yadda yadda yadda. Porsche says, "You had to know you two would be separated at some point." Rachel replies that she truly thought they'd make it to the end together. Porsche yawns and tells Rachel she has the rest of her life to spend with Brendon and that she's making all of this much more dramatic than it needs to be. She advises Rachel to stop going around the house all pissed off at everyone. Making more enemies won't do her any favors over the coming weeks. Then Rachel begins to talk about the magical fifth Golden Key power for people whose names start with 'R'. At that point, I had to go check on my own cupcakes.
Over in the bathroom, a child molester has just entered the house. You see, Adam is shaving his chin pubes for this 40th birthday and now he looks like a guy who cruises by school yards in a van with no windows. Everyone is shocked by how creepy he looks, but they cover it up with, "Sure, yeah, that looks great. You look like a grown up now." Jeff, in particular, is freaked out and he names the New Adam "Phillip". Phillip wears clip-on ties, carries a briefcase and has a 9-5 job. I'm not so sure I agree with Jeff. I think Phillip is building an underground prison for young boys and has a red dot on his house at that Family Watchdog website.
Since it's makeover day in the Big Brother house, Daniele is dyeing her roots upstairs in the HOH. Stomp, stomp, stomp... in walks Rachel. She's crying, she's apologizing, she's begging for forgiveness. It's a desperate girl saying desperate things. Daniele listens to what Rachel has to say and then tells her that Rachel took out Daniele's number one ally: Dominic. Naturally, she was going to go after Brendon in retaliation. Rachel starts up again with her fiance being ripped from her loins and torn from her arms. She says, "I get that I took Dominic away from you, but you took away the love of my life."*gags* Daniele tells her that none of it is personal. It's all part of the game. She knows Rachel will never believe her, but she's really not in the house to hurt people. She's there to play. "But my fianceeeeee... ripped... torn.... my heart is broken." *stabs ear with a very large golf umbrella*
Rachel continues, but she does it in her very own "Rachel Way". I swear she's the only person in the world who can apologize and make accusations all in one breath. She's pretty much doing to Daniele exactly what she did to Porsche earlier. The apology is the fluff part. What she really wants is for Daniele to repent and admit she was wrong for tearing her fiance out of her arms for the rest of time. Possibly in an effort to get Rachel to shut up, Daniele gives it to her straight. She tells Rachel that she had no choice but to win HOH and go after her and Brendon. Had she lost, Rachel would have put her on the block and she knows it. Rachel mumbles, "Well, yeah." Daniele says she had to do whatever she could to protect herself. This entire time she's been protecting Brenchel and acting on their behalf, but once they betrayed her she knew she could never trust them again. Rachel responds, "He was ripped! He was torn! I'm all alone." *smacks self in head with an axe*
It's an endless conversation that goes in circles and circles. Rachel is hurt. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel apologizes. Daniele is playing the game. Brendon was ripped from Rachel's arms. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel is heartbroken. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel thinks a fifth Golden Key especially made for people whose names start with 'R' will save her for eternity. Annnd, that's my cue. I'm done with this conversation.
Outside Jeff & Phillip are smoking and talking about this week's renoms. Phillip says he doesn't want to go on the block and Jeff tells him that if either he or Shelly goes up, they'll be safe. Phillip still doesn't want to go up and mentions that Lawon actually volunteered to go up. (I missed that so I have no idea if it's true. Lawon may have said it in a convo with Adam, but I don't think it was anything official) Bitch Jordan comes out and asks why would Lawon do that. Adam tells her that Lawon thinks he has the votes to stay. The group talks about how the votes could switch and Lawon could end up getting evicted. Bitch Jordan says, "Oh my god, that would be hysterical."
It's at this point where I did a little soul searching of my own. What if Lawon went on the block and went home? Cassi or Dominic would most certainly reenter the game if that happened. If Rachel gets evicted, I think there's a 99.9% chance she'll return anyways soooo... why not? Why not get rid of someone like Lawon and stir up a little shit with a Cassi or a Dominic? I hate the idea of Rachel not getting evicted. I hate the smugness and gloating that will undoubtedly follow. I hate the "I told you so" looks she'll throw in Daniele's direction BUT (and this is a big Kalia butt) all of that hate could be wiped out with one "Hey y'all!" from Cassi. Rachel's head would spin around, she'd start speaking in tongues and buckets of pig's blood would fall out of the sky and land on her head. I could fall in love with something like that.
The feeds go down for Adam's party and when they return there's a whiff of mischief in the air. I click from room to room to see if the HG's are drunk or at least on sugar high, but I find nothing. Then, with a crrrrrreak crrrrrreak, I hear the hammock swinging back and forth. What in the sam hell is Kalia doing in the hammock with Shelly?! I'll tell you what: Kalia is getting mindfucked like she's never been mindfucked before. All along I've been saying that Shelly is one to watch out for. Reluctantly, I read all of your comments and I see that it's not a popular stance t0 back a chimney like Shelly, but I stand by it. Shelly is a force to be reckoned with.
Ok so Kalia and Shelly are in the hammock and the conversation starts out with how Kalia really never intended to send Jeff home. She sincerly wanted him to win POV. She made a promise (a dumbass promise if you ask me) a while ago to never nominate Jordan and she's sticking to that promise. Kalia thinks that there's no way she can ever earn Jeff & Jordan's trust again. Plus, Jeff is really hotheaded and won't listen to reason. She brings up the Dumbledore thing and says she didn't like being bullied by someone with such anger issues. Shelly nods quietly and puffs silently. Kalia's words whirl around inside of her head and suddenly... an idea begins to take shape.
Shelly tells Kalia that she really needs to watch out for Porsche. She says that everything Kalia says to Porsche, Porsche turns around and tells the other side of the house. Shelly claims that she's even planted a few stories with Porsche herself. She wanted to see how much they'd change before they came around back to her again. They conversation turns catty as they both mock Porsche for thinking she can win America's Favorite. Shelly makes little snide remarks about how close Porsche is to Daniele now and you know, you just know, that that makes Kalia insane with jealousy. Keep in mind Kalia watches Daniele bathe and brushes her hair for her. Seeing her cozying up to Porsche these past few days can't be sitting well with Ms. Kalia.
Shelly then says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Hey, what about this? You put up Porsche and since someone is coming back into the game anyways, Porsche will still get to play but you'll gain Rachel, Jeff and Jordan as allies in the process." Shelly tells her all she has to do is get Rachel to swear on Brendon's life that she won't go after Kalia and voila! Kalia has mended some fences and built herself an army of vets. Shelly adds that she might anger Daniele and Lawon, but it'll get the others in the house to stop seeing Kalia as Daniele's puppet. *stands and applauds* Fuck me. First off, it's an insane plan that will in no way benefit Kalia. Secondly, KALIA ACTUALLY FALLS FOR IT!!! She tells Shelly she thinks it's a good idea and that she'll meet with Daniele later to discuss it.
Shelly puts out her cigarette, hitches up her jeans and does a cowboy saunter over to the couch. She stretches out her bony limbs, reaches into her pants pocket for another smoke and smiles. She just sits and smiles. Coyote Ugly served a magical bowl of bullshit and Kalia, being a hungry gal, ate every single last bite. Un-believable. Rachel has been working her fingers to the bone to stay in this game, but with one weirdly webbed tapestry of cockamamie wizardry, Shelly achieves what Rachel couldn't in under an hour.
Up in the HOH, Kalia cautions Daniele that she probably won't like what she's about to hear, but she needs to trust her. This is their "key to the city". She outlines The Shelly Plan to Daniele and Daniele stares blankly back refusing to believe what her ears are telling her she's hearing. Kalia explains how Porsche isn't trustworthy and that how this move will benefit them both in the end. Daniele looks Kalia straight in the eye and says she will never trust Rachel in this game. She will never put her life in Rachel's hands. Kalia tells her that the DR told her someone is coming back into the game. Daniele is deaf to Kalia's explanations. Her only response is, "I can't believe you're changing this up." This move that Kalia thinks is so brilliant for her (which it isn't) is a virtual nightmare for Daniele. Daniele has a flimsy alliance to begin but this, THIS, fucks up her entire game even more. They bicker back and forth where Kalia tries to make her case and Daniele points out she's being an idiot. Daniele finally tells Kalia she's been wishy-washy throughout this entire game and it's painfully obvious that her need to have a friendship with Jeff & Jordan is overshadowing everything else.
Here's what's going on: Kalia is insanely insecure. The bravado, the flipping, the need to please - it's all insecurity. For it to be that easy for Shelly to convince her to change up her entire game plan is ludicrous. While I'm worried about Daniele at the end of all of this, Kalia deserves to go down. I hope Rachel, Jeff or Jordan wins HOH and Kalia is sent home on the next train to Jury Town. I want a week where Kalia is all tears, regret, stress eating, farting, belching. I want all of it. Just when Kalia was starting to show some promise, she self-sabotages herself like I'm sure she's done with everything else in her life. Insecure people do that. They're scared of success.
Meanwhile, downstairs Shelly is whispering to Jeff about how Kalia is actually falling for her plan. Jeff is beside himself with excitement. He can't believe what he's hearing. He wants to go up and talk to Kalia as soon as possible to let her know that they'll be super besties if this all goes down. He tells Kalia that this was a bad week anyways to get rid of a strong player because of the whole twist thing. Kalia says that maybe there's a way to for them all to be friends again. Jeff tells her that if she puts Porsche on the block, they'll hug it out and talk.
Jeff skips down to the HOH to fill Jordan in on the plan. He's all smiles and excitement while Bitch Jordan rolls her eyes and says there's no way Kalia is that dumb (yes there is!). Jeff tells her that he's only telling Kalia that she'll be safe, but really he'll be going after her as soon as is humanly possible. He tells Jordan that this twist thing is messing with Kalia's head and scaring her. Plus, she wants them all to know that Daniele isn't really controlling her. (Daniele's not controlling her, but she should be.)
Later in another hammock conversation with Shelly, Kalia thinks that maybe she can nominate Porsche, but still get Rachel out of the game. That way Daniele will be happy, Rachel will know she tried, Jeff & Jordan will like her again and if Rachel comes back, Kalia will still be safe. Those are a LOT of puzzle pieces that need to slide into place just so. Shelly acts very nonchalant and says she doesn't care who goes home: Porsche or Rachel. You delicious liar you!
Back up in the HOH, Kalia is now outlining her plan to trick Rachel into going home. Daniele is so over it though. An hour ago Kalia wanted to play with Rachel and now she wants Rachel out. No matter what move Kalia makes at this point, she's FUCKED. The Oldies don't like her, Shelly thinks she's an idiot and Daniele can never trust her again. She actually let some throaty whispers from Shelly screw up her entire game. There's no going back from here. Even if she backtracks and puts up Adam today, the damage is already done. The entire house sees what a flighty moron she is.
Typically, I'm never surprised by POV ceremonies, but today's will have me on my toes. Who knows how many more times Kalia will flip before she makes a decision? The insanity.... my god, it's delicious. I'm so wrapped up in it I don't even know who to root for. Like I said earlier, maybe it's better to get out someone like Lawon so Cassi or Dominic comes back. I certainly don't want to lose Porsche, but at the same time I really want to see the Oldies tear apart Kalia's throat next week. The one thing I am sure about is that Shelly is a rock star. She may not be playing for the side you want and she may not be aligned with your favorite of players, but what she did last night was pure genius and you've gotta respect it. It's the sort of game play I get excited about. There's nothing I love more than the psychological mindfucks. More than any competition, more than any alliances, the mental manipulation is what gets me going. Shelly has it and Kalia doesn't. Wizardry indeed!
Today should be pretty nuts. Get your feeds if you haven't and comment it out bitches and have a great day!